SBLT: Rachel Green
BECCA: Oh, girl. What the heck was wrong with Joey? Unlike Ross, Joey has never been married, he's hawt enough to melt steel, loyal like a puppy and he's a soap actor. But hey. Ross likes dinosaurs so that must mean he's perfect, right?
SBLT: Ann Bolyn
BECCA: Run. Run Fast! This guy's wack-o-meter is bouncing up like Forrest Gump's ping pong ball and some damn fool gave old Henry the power of the ax. A turtle neck just doesn't cover that kind of hurtin'. Again, my advice is run, girl, run.
BECCA: If you wanted a guy with money, check Wall Street, baby, not a get-away-car.
BECCA: Okay, so Lancelot was a hottie, but his baggage won't fit in the overhead compartment. He's a wanderer. And yes, he was knighted and, in thanks, he turned around and stole you from the king thereby destroying the most magical non-alien realm in history. Clearly not thinking with his northerly brain and therefore, no one you want to bring home to Mom. Kick him to the curb, beg your king for forgiveness and restore Camelot.
SBLT: Yoko Ono
Becca: Sometimes a guy just needs some space to hang with his pals. Join a knitting group or a book club. Leave the music to the Fab Four. Otherwise, you're gonna end up hated internationally.
SBLT: Elizabeth of York
BECCA: Did you really think a guy who picked you up on the side of the road was going to be faithful? Seriously, did diseases not exist in medieval England? Get to the doc and get some antibiotics, baby, because he didn’t seem all that choosy in his friends with benefits.
Becca: Seriously. Was he the only boy in Verona? Join a club. Find some friends and, for the love of God, ditch the nurse.
BECCA: I have two words—hair extensions. Find someone to sew those bad boys in then put yourself out there and find a grown up with a real name. Can you imagine, in a moment of passion, screaming, “Oh, Chachi!” Every Chihuahua in ten states will be knocking at your door.
BECCA: Get your hearing aid checked, sister, because if the media was calling my husband “slick Willy” I wouldn’t think it was because he was oiling himself up for a few hours on the beach, okay? The media has better spies than the CIA and they aren’t afraid of using them. Pay attention.
BECCA: Don’t put off till tomorrow the butt you can kick today. He doesn’t give a damn. Woo-hoo. Put a boot in his hiney and slam the door behind him. All those hot soldiers running around and he doesn’t give a damn? Put a little lip lock on one of those Yankee boys and see how his pistol fires. Just saying.
BECCA: I can definitely get with the program of picking a hottie over a 5 star hotel, but I have to draw the line at living in a tree house in the jungle. Sure you can bring a bottle of OFF and take care of those flying insects for about a month maybe, but after that, there isn’t a WalMart just down the beaten path. The lions, not your friend. To them you are a luscious dinner. Walk away.
SBLT: Queen Victoria
BECCA: In all the land, on all the island, you couldn’t pick a hot young stud you weren’t related to? All that royal inbreeding is responsible for the pointy eared children of your future generations.
BECCA: Eight marriages? Does till death do us part mean nothing anymore? Find yourself a nice Farmboy and settle down. It worked for me.
Dylan: Stop getting married.
DYLAN: Two words – Leather Tuscadero.
SBLT: HENRY VIII
Dylan: You keep cutting off their heads, you’re gonna get a reputation that makes it hard to pick up women.
Dylan: Bank robbery is not a job with a secure future. Rethink it. Maybe try college, get a career.
Dylan: Bros before, well, you know.
Dylan: you keep letting your woman rule your world, you’re gonna lose your man card pretty quick. Let it be, pal.
DYLAN: Quickest way to lose your woman is to tell her you don’t give a damn. Check out the Dating for Dummies series.
Dylan: Buy a suit. Girls really get into a guy in a suit. And stop talking to the animals like they are your best friends. People are starting to talk a little.
DYLAN: At least offer to pay the girl’s cleaning bill. And FYI, that isn’t how you smoke a cigar.
SBLT: Edward IV
DYLAN: Seal the tower. Blockade it so no one can use it and stop trusting people. You killed to get the crown. Others will, too. And FYI, your wife might be part witch and could make some stuff start falling off. Think about it.
DYLAN: Find a malt shop. Make some memories. Everything in life does not have to end in tragedy.